June 6, 2015~
I'm holding strong and trying to keep from breaking at the seams of this tight composure I grip onto each moment of the day. The mind is a tricky thing. As long as you keep it occupied and full of tasks it will all seem alright. But, the moment you take a breath to walk outside and stare into the massive ocean that reaches out to the edges of the horizon, a gust of wind blows salty air through your hair and straight takes that breath away. All that you've lived through washes the very strength from your bones and threatens to shatter all that you are made of. I stay strong for them, but who stays strong for me? I watch their backs, but who watches mine?
"Where have all the good boys gone... I need a hero, he's gotta be strong, he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be larger than life." ~EMB
"...They will be His people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 'He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying, or pain for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:3-4
Upon reading this, I'm reminded of my Hero, the Density that holds my bones intact, the very Foundation to my soul. Praise you God.
~I'm so sorry that this had to happen to you, dear friend. Your smiles LIVE ON in my soul.~
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Flower-Filled World
Moving to an island in the Caribbean has brought yet another flaw of mine to the surface with a force so strong that it could be compared to a pot of soup boiling over the edges so hard such as to seek a cooler place to settle than within that high pressure pot. This flaw that has boiled over has proven to break right to the core of who I am. I am a helper, and I sought out the medical profession in hopes that I could put that part of my character to work. Not only am I a helper, but God made me a tender-hearted helper. My helping tender-heart works with purpose and diligence, sometimes without even me noticing. I came to this island to attend medical school, but along the way, my helping heart started noticing things that needed improvement in the student/community volunteer-services end. There are so many gaps of need that aren’t fulfilled. I had been more involved in my hometown community than these gaps could even touch, so it was natural of me to believe that I could help out somehow to bridge these huge gaps of volunteer needs. The spunky dreamer within me was noticed and I have been rewarded with cabinet positions in several clubs at the medical school. People even began to come to me with even more ideas of how we can help out the citizens of the community. These ideas along with my own ideas that had been sparked to life, were beautifully brainstormed. These ideas would prove to do so much good to help the community and spark a passion within people to continue these processes!
I imagined Beth Moore standing in front of my face with one hand on her spunky little hip, while using her other hand to point a finger at me. It was as if God spoke to me in a precious, but authoritative Beth Moore voice saying, “Girl! Are you ready for this? Because, I’m about to burst your pretty little bubble on Life! You have got this all wrong! Nothing You can can do, my darlin’, can ever bring about a happy little flower-filled world.”
After trying and trying to spark my plans of community involvement to life, the spark got a bucket of water poured all over it. Every single person on the boards of the community programs, the school's authorities, and even the government's spokespeople around me constantly told me things I could not do. I could not do this. I could not do that. I might as well not do that. Not one person, not ONE, told me what I “could” do. Not one told me what I could make work, but all told me what I could not make work. The negativity that met my attempts was so overwhelming that even a customs officer in the States would show more mercy than the gates of detainment that were slammed shut on my attempts of crossing a line from “Onlooker" to “Difference Maker”.
The inside of my soul boiled over so hard and so fast that I couldn’t contain it. I found that the heart of my disappointment came from the heart of my attempts. Although this was happening only on one certain island and among a one certain type of people, for one certain attempt of satisfying a service of volunteerism, couldn’t this also be applied to future attempts of helping? It was then that I realized my greatest fear: trying so hard to help a patient and having the door slammed on my attempts from a negativity within my patient. How do you help a person or a group of people that constantly beg you for help but shut doors on your attempts? Would there be a day that a patient asks for help, but when I try so hard to help, he or she shuts doors on my diligent attempts to help? My attempts would only wear me thin and get my patient no where unless I have their cooperation in helping me accomplish the end results.
As I pondered this, I hear God speaking in that cute Beth Moore voice again, “Baby girl, give them to Me! Rest your weary little hands in My lap and give them over to Me. I can make the pretty little flower-filled world you love so much. Watch me work, darlin’, because no door will shut on My attempts. No man will silence my plans. No ONE can stop the driving force of My love for them.”
Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Monday, May 5, 2014
Packing Made Possible
April 23rd~
Packing to move myself across a sea for medical school... Ha! That's the impossible realization of the day! For the past 48 hours, thoughts would pop into my head of what to do, to pack, to look up, to say to people. Sleep was even more impossible than packing, so it seemed. I realized that 3:03 AM was the perfect time for your brain to awaken abruptly and pour out all the reminders of things you had forgotten to do in the days before. Another feat was simply trying to think of all the things I'll be doing in the next 8 months. It seemed nearly impossible to fathom, little on pack for it. (To say that I'm exhausted from a lack of sleep would be a total inaccurate depiction of what really went on that caused me such exhaustion while I was at my parents' house trying to squeeze and maneuver things into suit cases and bags. It is the workout you get from packing that has left me completely limp & sore! My quads hurt from jumping on airtight bags of clothes in attempts to squish out all the air that was possibly making my clothes look so abundant! My arms hurt from pulling together zippers that never were meant to stretch that far. My inner thighs got the best workout, by far. This is because I realized that sitting on top of suitcases wasn't squishing the lids closed enough to pull the exacerbated zippers together. So, I got creative. My thighs got a phenomenal workout when I propped the suitcases to a standing position and used my inner thighs to squeeze the gaping mouths of the suitcases closed! Bam! I can't tell you how amazing it is for ones self esteem to realize that what your weight could not accomplish, your thighs could! )
When I took one look at the allotted number of suitcases i was allowed and compared that with all that I had displayed and inventoried to pack, I just about came undone. In that moment I realized it would take God Himself to get all that stuff to my new home... and maybe a few great friends to pep talk me or assist me in defeating this crazy notion of packing. It was then that I remembered verse 2 Corinthians 10:5 about captivating your thoughts. At this point I decided that impossible wasn't in my vocabulary. After lots of thought, finagling, and thigh presses, only about 75-80% of my planned pack list actually came with me. The impossible became possible!
Packing to move myself across a sea for medical school... Ha! That's the impossible realization of the day! For the past 48 hours, thoughts would pop into my head of what to do, to pack, to look up, to say to people. Sleep was even more impossible than packing, so it seemed. I realized that 3:03 AM was the perfect time for your brain to awaken abruptly and pour out all the reminders of things you had forgotten to do in the days before. Another feat was simply trying to think of all the things I'll be doing in the next 8 months. It seemed nearly impossible to fathom, little on pack for it. (To say that I'm exhausted from a lack of sleep would be a total inaccurate depiction of what really went on that caused me such exhaustion while I was at my parents' house trying to squeeze and maneuver things into suit cases and bags. It is the workout you get from packing that has left me completely limp & sore! My quads hurt from jumping on airtight bags of clothes in attempts to squish out all the air that was possibly making my clothes look so abundant! My arms hurt from pulling together zippers that never were meant to stretch that far. My inner thighs got the best workout, by far. This is because I realized that sitting on top of suitcases wasn't squishing the lids closed enough to pull the exacerbated zippers together. So, I got creative. My thighs got a phenomenal workout when I propped the suitcases to a standing position and used my inner thighs to squeeze the gaping mouths of the suitcases closed! Bam! I can't tell you how amazing it is for ones self esteem to realize that what your weight could not accomplish, your thighs could! )
When I took one look at the allotted number of suitcases i was allowed and compared that with all that I had displayed and inventoried to pack, I just about came undone. In that moment I realized it would take God Himself to get all that stuff to my new home... and maybe a few great friends to pep talk me or assist me in defeating this crazy notion of packing. It was then that I remembered verse 2 Corinthians 10:5 about captivating your thoughts. At this point I decided that impossible wasn't in my vocabulary. After lots of thought, finagling, and thigh presses, only about 75-80% of my planned pack list actually came with me. The impossible became possible!
Wait. Listen. Act.
Words of my ever-learning heart:
Seek and hope in The Lord as you wait (Lamentations 3:24-26) on Him. Holding hope and anticipation in your heart will prevent you from settling with fear and worries. By seeking Him in this waiting time, you develop a faith in His good works that uproots any fear or worries from dwelling in your heart. Do this because there will be a day that comes when He tells you that the time is now upon you. He has been clearing a path for you to take and this path is good and perfect. Do this so that when the time comes that He calls you forth to begin running on a path He paved for you, you don't cower at the task. When He calls you to a path, leap in faith no matter how scared or pained it may leave you. Sometimes if a heart is humble, its limited understanding will cause us to take one look at the path ahead of us and immediately panic. It may shout, "God, I cannot do this. You must have meant someone else!"
Do not hesitate, because The Lord will reap His glory in all things with or without you. So ask yourself, do you want to be with Him or without Him when He gets all the glory? Do you think there was any easy part of Jesus following God? Do you think there was anything less than fear and pain?
Seek and hope in The Lord as you wait (Lamentations 3:24-26) on Him. Holding hope and anticipation in your heart will prevent you from settling with fear and worries. By seeking Him in this waiting time, you develop a faith in His good works that uproots any fear or worries from dwelling in your heart. Do this because there will be a day that comes when He tells you that the time is now upon you. He has been clearing a path for you to take and this path is good and perfect. Do this so that when the time comes that He calls you forth to begin running on a path He paved for you, you don't cower at the task. When He calls you to a path, leap in faith no matter how scared or pained it may leave you. Sometimes if a heart is humble, its limited understanding will cause us to take one look at the path ahead of us and immediately panic. It may shout, "God, I cannot do this. You must have meant someone else!"
Do not hesitate, because The Lord will reap His glory in all things with or without you. So ask yourself, do you want to be with Him or without Him when He gets all the glory? Do you think there was any easy part of Jesus following God? Do you think there was anything less than fear and pain?
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Abundantly More
It does not feel real yet. There are so many emotions, events, and checklists that are floating around in my mind, that it is hard to grasp a collection of coherent thoughts. Maybe I should start with the truths, and then build from those foundations of realizations.
The truths begin with a base realization: The Lord has been faithful. I know this because I have been accepted into the Saba University School of Medicine and will begin classes in May of 2014. That one statement holds an abundance of emotions that I will not elaborate on today. However, I can proclaim that as I say those words aloud, my inner woman is transformed into a little girl that is jumping up and down with squeals and giggles. She is clothed in joy, peace, love, and a princess gown that matches a jewel-studded crown and sparkly princess shoes. Oh, the delights of a joyous child: that is what I feel.
Another truth that I have been learning: The Lord will provide us with abundantly more than we could ever ask for (Ephesians 3:20). Not only will I be a medical student in a few weeks time, but I will be living in an Eden-like paradise surrounded by extreme forces of beautiful creation. Wow! I cannot begin to express the magnitude in which the Lord has chosen to enrich the life I thought I could plan for myself. As I sit here, my heart overflows with abounding love and humility to think that the Lord has considered ME worthy of this path. Oh how my plans are so inferior to the blessings that my Father wishes to pour over me.
The truths begin with a base realization: The Lord has been faithful. I know this because I have been accepted into the Saba University School of Medicine and will begin classes in May of 2014. That one statement holds an abundance of emotions that I will not elaborate on today. However, I can proclaim that as I say those words aloud, my inner woman is transformed into a little girl that is jumping up and down with squeals and giggles. She is clothed in joy, peace, love, and a princess gown that matches a jewel-studded crown and sparkly princess shoes. Oh, the delights of a joyous child: that is what I feel.
Another truth that I have been learning: The Lord will provide us with abundantly more than we could ever ask for (Ephesians 3:20). Not only will I be a medical student in a few weeks time, but I will be living in an Eden-like paradise surrounded by extreme forces of beautiful creation. Wow! I cannot begin to express the magnitude in which the Lord has chosen to enrich the life I thought I could plan for myself. As I sit here, my heart overflows with abounding love and humility to think that the Lord has considered ME worthy of this path. Oh how my plans are so inferior to the blessings that my Father wishes to pour over me.
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